Biblical Reasons Why I Practice Gentle Parenting
The Shaffer Family
Gentle or grace-based parenting is a method of parenting that approaches a child in a loving, respectful way that focuses on and preserves relationship and connection while setting firm boundaries for the child and their behavior. It takes into consideration the child’s emotions and reasons behind why a child might behave in a certain way. It allows a parent to come alongside a child and helps him or her to change their heart, not just the behavior. Gentle parenting does not include any kind of punitive parenting methods such as spanking, inflicting pain, grounding, time outs, yelling, shaming, etc. It is also not permissive parenting because firm boundaries and rules are enforced, and the parent maintains their authority. The motto of our gentle parenting style is “kind and firm.”
So how does gentle parenting fit in with Biblical principles? First, how we parent will largely be determined in how we view God. Do we view him as punitive towards us or nonpunitive? Do we view him as one who is waiting to strike us down when we do something wrong? Do we view him as judgmental and aloof? Or do we view him as loving, kind, gentle, and full of grace? I view him as the latter and want to treat my children in the same manner that Jesus relates to me. The Bible tells us that God is love (1 John 4:16) and that he is just (Deuteronomy 32:4). His justice is within the parameter of his character of love. Both attributes form the kind and firm foundation of gentle parenting that we support. It is not loving to not be kind to a child who is struggling (kindness – the opposite of which is punitive). It is also not loving to ignore addressing harmful behavior (justice – the opposite of which is permissive). It is the balance that is struck in relating in all kindness and firmness; they each balance one another in perfect harmony.
Second, the Bible tells us how to treat people and that includes children. It calls us to be people full of compassion, kindness, patience, forgiveness, grace, and self-control (Colossians 3:12-14, Ephesians 4:32, Galatians 5:22-23). It tells us not to sin in our anger (Ephesians 4:26), to control our tongue (James 3:2), and not to exasperate our children (Ephesians 6:4, Colossians 3:21). One of the better ways to fulfill those commands, I’ve found, is to practice a relationship-style of parenting that focuses on connection and building trust, rather than disconnection through punishments. Our children deserve to feel compassion, kindness, patience, forgiveness, and grace even when they misbehave. They desperately need to know that forgiveness is readily available and that they can make amends for the wrongs they have done. They need to know that they have an advocate in their parents who want to help them along in that process, modeling and coaching them in asking for forgiveness and making amends. Matthew 18:6 and Luke 17:2 have strong and uncomfortable words for those who cause a little child to stumble in their faith, and I’ve seen firsthand adults who are struggling with their faith because of the way they were disciplined punitively in God’s name as children. While these verses are metaphorical, they show the incredibly important role we have in raising our little ones and not causing them to stumble in their faith because of the way we’ve parented them.
Third, the Bible suggests ways we should parent our children. The root word for discipline is disciple. The number one thing we are commanded to do is to make disciples (Matthew 28:19-20) and as parents, we begin in our own household with our children. As we think about discipling others, we understand that the word “discipline” when used in this context is about training, instruction, modeling, living with, encouraging a life of discipline, accountability, and the like. The same applies to our children. Just as we would disciple another adult friend, we disciple our children but in a much more precious and treasured, loving, intimate relationship.
Fourth, God created us to be relationship-oriented people. He built us to need connection (a concept shown throughout the entire Bible). We cannot thrive as islands on our own. In fact, God Himself is a plural identity (Father, Son, Holy Spirit) showing that relationship is of first and foremost concern. When he created Adam, He very shortly created a companion for him as he knew it wasn’t good for Adam to be alone (Genesis 2:18). He then instructed them to have children (Genesis 1:28). We were born for loving relationships and connections. It is a built-in core need. Gentle parenting speaks to that need in such a beautiful manner because it doesn’t require any kind of disconnection in order to discipline one’s children. In fact, quite the opposite. It requires a continuation of relationship and connection even when a child is not behaving appropriately, having an emotional meltdown, or just plain can’t get it together. It requires the parent to stand alongside offering support and loving guidance to get the child back to equilibrium. No child gains equilibrium in their emotions and actions in an atmosphere of disconnection (anger response, time out, inflicting pain, grounding, spanking, shame, yelling, etc.). In fact, trust is broken over and over in these situations and these children grow up to find it harder to trust people and even themselves.
Fifth, God is most interested in a heart change, not just a behavior change because we might get caught (Ezekiel 36:26). Gentle parenting spends time with a child discussing why we behave in certain ways, why it is the best for them and those around them, and what long-term advantages that trait has in society. Children learn obedience because it is the right thing to do, not out of fear of punishment or disconnection or disapproval or anything else negative. They have no reason to be sneaky in trying to get away with behavior because time has been taken to change their heart rather than their outward behavior. Sure, it takes consistent parenting and a lot of time and effort to get to this point, but I think you will agree, the outcome is worth it all.
Some might be wondering about the Bible verses that seem to indicate spanking. I first investigated this method of parenting when my first child was quite young. I was having a hard time reconciling Proverbs 13:24: “Whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them,” and Psalm 23:4: “Your rod and staff, they comfort me.” How could the rod be a comfort if it was used to beat a child? I did a deep search into what these verses meant and concluded that perhaps another interpretation of Proverbs 13:24 was in order. First, we must consider that the genre of the book of Proverbs is wisdom literature written in poetry and metaphorical language. It wasn’t necessarily written to be taken literally. We also must consider many other verses in the Old Testament that we don’t follow literally such as Deuteronomy 21:18 which states that parents must bring a rebellious son to the city gates to have him stoned to death. Galatians 5:3 warns us that if we follow a part of the law, then we are obligated to follow the whole law. That would be a very difficult enterprise. Let’s get back to the rod. In most instances where the word “rod” is used, it symbolizes “authority” or the shebet a king would use to show his authority, like the one extended to Queen Esther. It would not be used to hit someone. Proverbs 13:24 then can be interpreted to mean that whoever fails to exercise authority over their children, hates their children, but whoever loves their children is careful to discipline (disciple) them. (Discussion of verse taken from Biblical Parenting by Pastor Crystal Lutton).
Truly, gentle parenting is greatly informed by the great commandments of loving God with all we are and loving our neighbor (which includes our precious children) as ourselves (Luke 10:27). If we love God with our entire being, the natural outpouring will be to love our children in the best way possible including how we parent them. And let’s not forget that the Golden Rule (Matthew 7:12), which is said to sum up all the law and prophets, applies to the least of these as well, our precious, most treasured children. In all interactions with them, we want to consider how we would want to be loved and treated in that same situation. If we would not as adults want to be treated in a certain way (spanked, inflicted with pain, yelled at, shamed, grounded, etc.), then let’s please reconsider treating children that way.
Perhaps this discussion will help you find a greater understanding of gentle parenting, what it is and what it isn’t, and how it most definitely fits within a biblical framework. Gentle parenting turned out be one of the greatest blessings of my lifetime and not only did it help me to parent my children in a way that aligned with my biblical principles, but it also helped them thrive and grow up to be well-adjusted people who also love God. In addition, it had the added benefit of helping me to see God as a gentle parent toward me and my relationship with him blossomed because of it. My best wishes to all of you as you navigate this most priceless journey of parenting your children.
